It's crazy how life has so many ups and downs. I have always felt blessed in my life even with all the downs I have had....Things happen in life and we don't know why. We find ourselves questioning God and we question our faiths. No matter what though, I have found that my faith has always been there to support me and get me back on this path we call "Life." Without faith, where would we be? When my uncle died, when my friend in high school died, when my friend went to rehab, when people close to me were diagnosed with cancer and then they died, when my Dad had a triple bypass....when all this happened....and there was so much bad....I always went back to my faith. I wouldn't call myself an extremely religious person. I don't go to church every week...heck, last year I went to church maybe a total of 5 times....However, my faith has never left me and I have always found strength because of my faith. When Brandon passed away, I questioned so much and then at the same time I begged God to help me get through this. I constantly asked Brandon (probably 10 times a day at least) to help me get through things and hold me up. Without my faith, I wouldn't be able to do that.
In all the bad, there is always Gods grace though. I met Brandon, I learned what love was and how much someone could love me, I became a mother, I learned what unconditional love was, I learned how much family means to me and how they are more important than money, work, or possessions. In all this bad, there is soooo much I have been blessed with. There is only one thing to attribute that to. That's my faith in God.
So, where am I now? Honestly, I don't know! I'm more lost than ever. All I want is for my best friend and my soul mate to be back with me. All I want is for that person to make me smile and laugh the way he used to. Then I remember....He still does....There are times when I see something and I just bust out laughing. There are times when I just cry so hard that I end up laughing because something so stupid pops in my head. There are times when I am crying that I just stop and I can't explain why. He's here with me. I know he is. So, as I try to walk on this new path in life, I have him to help guide me. God put him in my life for a reason. He taught me how to love, what love was, how to love so much that we were blessed with an amazing daughter.
For now, I am just going to keep walking on this path in life. I'm going to experience every "first." The first time I had to go to bed without you telling me "Love you--always always forever forever," the first time I go to the grocery store, the first time I go to our favorite restaurant (did that tonight!), the first time I had to drive your car, the first time I had take Mackenzie to daycare in the morning, the first time I got a tattoo (and last!), the first time I was so stressed out and you weren't there to make me smile...and this week I will have my first birthday without you since I turned 16....So many firsts...It's so incredibly hard.
I'm not ready to close this chapter yet and that's ok with me. I don't need to. There is no time frame for grief. I'm allowed to feel how I want to feel, as long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Without Mack, my family and my friends this would probably be extremely difficult. But I want to live my life. It was denied to Brandon, but it was not denied to Mackenzie or I. We are still here. We have a life that we still need to live and God will put us on whatever path that is. The path sucks right now, but He has a plan. He has a plan for all of us, and when my time comes to go home to Him, I have one amazing person waiting for me. I used to be scared of death, but now I see it as an eternal life. One day, I'll walk the streets of gold with my best friend again. I'll get to feel his touch again. I'll get to hear his voice. One day. But for today, I have to keep walking. For me and for Mackenzie. We are going to live life. We are going to enjoy every day and not take things or time for granted. You only get one life here on Earth....Enjoy it :)
Kind of a different blog than I expected to write....It may not even make sense to you, but its apparently what was in my head!!! Here are some photos :)
