I haven't written in a while. I started journaling because ya'll don't wanna read all my thoughts. Thinking gets depressing. So, don't think too much! That's my advice! :) Anyways, on this new road I'm on, I have learned a lot about myself. I am stronger than I ever thought and I can be happy if I choose to be happy. It's a choice I have to make. I used to just be happy. My life was amazing. I had a husband who loved me more than anything, he loved his daughter even more, and we were a family. My cute little family. I loved my life. Now, I have to fight just to remember that I still have that life, but without him. It's a constant battle. I fight it hourly in my head. I've encountered people along the way who just don't get it. And I understand that. I don't expect you to, nor do I ever want anyone to go through what I am going through. It's not fair. However, some people lose the compassion that I always thought they had. Their lives were impacted for a short time and went back to normal quickly. Mine changed my entire life. Every day, Mackenzie and I wake up without him here. I get her ready for school, get myself ready for work, and begin our day. Then, I come home...to a house where he will never pull up at 5:40 again to. I can honestly say that every day at 5:40, I look out the front door. I know he's not coming back, but that's what Mackenzie and I did. We loved watching Daddy pull in. I get to bathe Mackenzie, feed Mackenzie, and put her to bed. No goodnight kisses for Daddy.....My whole entire life changed and people fail to realize that. Compassion...that's one thing that I was blessed with through this. You read quotes and love them. I always loved quotes about not knowing what others were going through and then some. It's true. So true. There are days I meet people and I know they have no idea what I have been through in the past year. Who has a baby and then 5 months later loses their husband? Not many people. My happily ever after is gone. My whole world is still flipped upside down. So, I know that I smile most days. I choose to be happy. I have to make that choice. I don't get to just be happy. I have to choose it. I choose to laugh because then I'm not crying. I hope people learn to be more compassionate for others. We need it. The world needs it. I will never let Mackenzie be a victim of circumstance. She will be an amazing person because I will not let myself be a victim of circumstance. I won't feel sorry for myself. I won't feel sorry for her. She had 5 months with the best person I know. I had almost 11 years with him! We will rise above. But in the meantime, I wish so people would just think before they judge you for not doing something. Rant over.
This weekend, I bought a new car. Since Mother's Day, I have had a rough time. Then last week, I decided I was going to take the plunge and trade in Brandon's car and sell mine. I can't get in my car. There's too many bad memories. My phone rang from the ER in that car. I drove to the ER in that car. And then, I left the ER without my husband in that car. I hate that car. It was a great car. But personally, I can't drive it. Brandon's car, now that car has memories. I have memories of him swatting my hand when I go to change the station. Us holding hands while he was driving, a conversation of having more babies, him yelling at me about going too fast over speed bumps. All good memories, but it's hard to get in that car every day. So, in this new life I am being forced to create...I got a new car. New car for new beginnings. It made sense to me, so I did it. I miss the hell out of him but I know he is here with me. I saw signs that I am going to take as it was ok to do. I believe in signs. I know he's with me. Especially when I see Mackenzie randomly smile down the hallway or in the car. She stares and sees him. I swear she does. Call me crazy, whatever. I like it :) So, I had been given signs that it was ok. So I went with it! Here's to a new life, with lots of fun and loving memories of my old life. Tomorrow is a new day...and I am choosing to be happy and continue living my life.
