I've been debating a blog post for awhile now...Not sure why, by I just never found the time to just sit down and type. Well, I'm caught up on my classes, Mackenzie's sleeping, and the tv is off. Just me, the beautifully lit Christmas tree, and Bailey (our Chihuahua). Can you believe it has been a whole year since I wrote? I can! My life was such a fog the past 2 years.
The first year after Brandon passed, I lived in survival mode. I lived for just waking up and getting through a day without missing my old life. There were literally days when I would wake up and be proud of myself for getting out of bed. I'm not sure if I was even productive at work. I just don't remember. Sad, but true. I forced myself to laugh and smile. I forced myself to keep going. I forced myself to do what I needed to do to be happy and it was probably the greatest gift out of everything I had gone through. After all, Brandon just wanted me to be happy or incredibly pissed off at him ;-) Anyways, it was a learning experience.
This past year, I forced myself to take new chances. To go do things that I would have questioned in the past or put off. Don't get me wrong...I didn't go jump out of a plane! However, I said no to things I didn't want to do. I made an effort to talk to the people that truly care about Mackenzie and I. I started giving more to any charity or foundation that I could. Whether I had an extra $5 or $50. I try. Brandon would be proud. I decided to go back to graduate school so that I could provide a better life for Mackenzie and I. I dive into work 110% every single day. I take action for today because there may not be a tomorrow. As Halloween came around, I could feel it in the air...The dark cloud looming and shouting, "The holidays are here!" The holidays are the absolute worst. It's just that downward spiral that I find myself having to fight to stay at the top. I hold on by a finger....but I am hanging on! I still cry. I still miss him every minute of every day.
I made it through Thanksgiving. My brother and sister-in-law flew in from Texas and my whole family was together. They got me through my first year and they got me through my second year. I don't know what I would do without them. They don't just forget about Brandon...They share in all the memories we had and we laugh and joke. Now, I have to get through Christmas. I don't just want to get through. Last year, I cried when I put up decorations and then smiled afterwards because Brandon would be so proud. This year, I smiled the whole time because it brought so many good memories. When I was finished, I remember looking at Mackenzie and saying, "Holy cow....we did it!" What a relief. I want to enjoy the holidays. They were his favorite time of year. Yes, he's not here. Yes, I have amazing memories. Yes, TimeHop sucks and reminds me that he isn't here pretty much daily. Yes, I sit around and drink wine and Hallmark movies. Yes, I believe I will live one of those magically made movie lives where there is a widow who falls in love again. But I get up each day and live my life. I encourage myself to be a better person because Mackenzie needs a great role model in her life. I encourage myself to teach her how to be happy and make herself happy when she is sad. Why? Because you gotta laugh in life and you need to be happy! I wish I had learned these lessons earlier. My life may have been different....but it may not have happened the way it did. But I have Mackenzie now...and a new take on life. This next year, my goal is to live my new life more...
So, here's to my second firsts....
