It's been awhile...

It's be awhile since I posted.  This year sure is getting away from me.  It's been busy.  Single parenting has taught me more about life than I ever could have realized.  I've realized that I can do this.  It's hard as hell.  No lie.  I miss being able to yell for Brandon to get me a diaper, get me a wipe, grab her clothes, or even just having someone to talk through things with.  There is so much I miss, but I try not to think about it.  I think most days I wake up, realize he's gone still, and just bust my tail to get through the day.  I try not to think about things.  It's so darn depressing.  My best friend is still gone.  He'll always be gone and it's the hardest concept on the planet for me to wrap my head around and even grasp the concept of.  I still feel like he could walk through the door at any moment and that this whole thing is a joke.  The fact that we are going on almost 9 months absolutely floors me. 

How have I made it 9 months without the love of my life and more importantly the father of our child?

I truly don't get it.  It doesn't feel like 9 months, but on the other hand, it feels like forever.  I still remember the last weekend we spent together.  I remember holding hands in the car ride over to my parents, I remember feeding Mackenzie a banana for the first time, I remember going grocery shopping and it being the first time Mackenzie was sitting up in the cart.  I can remember it like it was yesterday, yet it was 9 months ago.  HOW???  I guess it goes to help me further believe that eternal life does exisit because it was just a blink of an eye ago and yet there is a time stamp on it.  Maybe to Brandon it was yesterday and to me its been 9 months.  Who knows. 

I've learned many things over these past 9 months.  I've learned most recently that I can't stop the damn Grief Monster.  He's a beast.  I hate him.  I do sooooo good and think I'm on the uphill and then BAM!!  I get slapped in the face by him.  I've learned that I do wear my emotions on my sleeve and that people can see it all the time.  Even when I don't realize that I am sad, they can see it.  I don't regret that but I am working on it.  I've learned that the "stages" of grief exist but they don't go away.  You don't go through them and then graduate.  I wish.  They come back time and time again.  It's a vicious cycle that is so unbelieveably sucky.  I'm learning to deal with it.  I've learned that life is short and that I need to do what's best for me regardless of what people think.  I'm not one that likes to disappoint people.  I'm learning to just do what my heart is telling me to do and accept it.  It's my life and I'm never going to please every person.  I've learned that chaos can happen in the middle of the night....aka Mackenzie throwing up everywhere last night...and that I can be emotional.  I can cry because I don't have anyone to help me.  And then I breathe and realize I can do this and there are people there for me.  I am so thankful for my amazing friends who happen to be my neighbors and my parents.  They were there for me last night at 12:45am and again this morning so I could go to work for a little bit.  I have support.  I just have to ask for it and I hate that, but I'm learning its ok to ask! 

This turned out to be extrememly long, and to be honest, I could keep going and going.  This journey is such an experience that has taught me so much about life, as Brandon already had.  I'm forever grateful to that kind and amazing man that loved me so much for teaching me so much about life.  I can make it through this life...alone or with someone.  Either way, he gave me gifts that will last a lifetime and I am incredibly thankful for him.  Here are some pictures...until next time my friends...