Merry Christmas

Just some more ramblings from the brain of Kristy.....

Going in to the Christmas season, I knew this was going to be hard.  I take life day by day and some days its hour by hour.  I've gotten used to him not being here, but every morning it's a reality that I have to deal with.  Today, I woke up knowing that he wasn't here and that it was my job to make sure that Mackenzie had an amazing Christmas.  Christmas was Brandon's favorite holiday.  He always made it magical and special.  We were never big on the huge gifts but instead loved the fact that we got to spend the day together because neither of us worked.  We got to be lazy, laugh, and have our inside jokes while enjoying the day with my family.  

Last year, we got to watch Mackenzie enjoy her first Christmas....She passed out in about an hour.  haha.  Then got to be lazy and sleep all day with Daddy.  This year...total opposite!  Talk about stimulation overload!!  We were blessed with so many gifts for her...from friends in Ohio to friends in South Carolina...She was SPOILED!  And she damn well deserved it.  You see, that kid works harder than any other 16 month old I know.  She has the job of keeping me on my toes, giving me lots of love (especially when I need it), making me laugh and cry, and more importantly, giving me a reason to get up each and every day and live life.  If that isn't a full time job, than I don't know what is!  She's amazing.  More amazing than she will ever realize but hopefully she is raised knowing how much she has done for me.  I am forever grateful to God for blessing us with her.  He knew I needed her, and he is right!  

Many people always say, "He's with you, don't worry."  The problem is that they are right....and wrong.  I know he's watching down on us and smiling.  He knows I am strong person, because we have discussed it.  He never understood how I was able to handle death with such courage and strength.  We had many discussion after his Grandma passed away a few years ago.  He had such a hard time with it so we talked a lot about it.  And my answer was always this, "She's in a better place."  Now, I find myself forcing to believe that.  If I tell myself that, it's true.  That's my logic.  I tell myself that 100 times a day, at least.  Last night, before we went to my parents for Christmas Eve (like we always do), I debated on a time to go for at least 5 hours.  I just couldn't "jump" into the Christmas Eve tradition.  Finally, I worked up the courage to go.  I packed up and loaded up the car.  Then I came back inside to grab Mack and lock up.  The last thing I always do (because Im OCD like that) is turn the radio on for Bailey.  So, I hit the button...and low and behold...Beyonce was on singing the song he proposed to me with.  I chuckled, smiled, and on our way we went.  It was an interesting night...Happy...not so sad...but with the constant reminder that he was missing.  It's always in my head.  I look over at the couch he sat on at their house and wasn't there.  At dinner, he wasn't there.  Playing cards...he wasn't there. Getting ready to leave, he wasn't there.  Then the flashbacks start...Images of him last Christmas Eve, packing up Mack and walking out of their house.  I can see it plain as day as if it was really happening.  We head home and we are at a stoplight (Now keep in mind that Mackenzie has been sleeping for 2 1/2 hours already and woke up when I put her in the car)...I turn the light on in the car to see what she is doing because she was talking up a storm....I see her staring at the only empty spot in my car (due to presents everywhere) and smiling from ear to ear. It's a rare smile that I don't always see.  We keep driving and she says "Dada-dada."  Tear----instantly start streaming from my face.  So, you see, I know he's here with us...and it's extremely special to me.  Crazy or not....I just wish I could see him like Mackenzie does.  I wish I could spend our holiday with the love of my life that I was supposed to grow old with.  Obviously, I am aware that it isn't going to happen and I go on with my life hour by hour.  

Although my life isn't perfect without him, my life is pretty darn close.  I have a family that loves me and helps me without even batting an eye.  I have true friends that many people don't have who are always by my side.  I have an AMAZING daughter that keeps my heart from freezing and gives me the gift of life...And I have the unconditional love that Brandon always showed me up until his dying day.  And thankfully for my beliefs in God, I know that I will spend eternal life with him again one day.  Soooo, I'd say I'm one BLESSED lady......I hope you all enjoyed the time with your families, made new memories, and thanked God for baby Jesus today!!  Merry Christmas from Mackenzie and I.  

**Not sure that any of this makes sense to y'all, but I like writing my journey down.**