2014

I'm writing this tonight because...well..I'm bored...and I wanted to see what I have accomplished over this past year.  

I'm not sure where to start, so I'll just type...normally it just spills on out.  

In January, I lost the love of my life.  The man that has walked by my side since 2002...when I was 17.  I remember the first night I started to fall for him..It was New Years Eve 2001.  Pun had asked me to get Brandon from his house so that he could go to Niki's NYE party.  We were hanging out at Pun's house with a few people and everyone else went to Niki's.  So, I went to go get him...I was 16 and was crushin...don't judge.  So, I went and got him.  Picked him up, enjoyed the entire drive back to Pun's with great conversation, and then watched him get in a car to go to Niki's.  From that point on, we hung out every weekend.  A memory that will always live with me.  To be 16 in not even know what love was or what that would have turned into.  Well, it turned in to spending the next 11 New Year's Eve's together.  (Just a side story that I wanted to share!)

Back to this year....

Much of my year was filled was much sadness.  It's a daily battle that I continue to fight with and the holidays have made it especially hard.  I try to smile when I can (which became a lot more frequent once I realized that its easier to smile and laugh than think about the realities of life).  So, I'd like to come up with a list of things I have accomplished this year.

• Having the strength to say goodbye to my heart and soul which is something I never thought I'd have to do...(we were supposed to say goodbye at the same time according to The Notebook!)
• Raising Mackenzie to be the happiest girl on the planet and love her life to the fullest
• Give myself some credit of being able to do what I have been able to 
• Give myself time to mourn and cry...I'm not a crier...So the fact that I have been able to allow myself to cry when I need to is a big accomplishment.
• My faith in God and has been tightened so much more.  Mackenzie and I say our prayers nightly together.  I also talk to God probably 10 times a day when I don't think I can make it. 
• Manage our household, bills, cleaning (a little), and cooking (a little).  
• Maintain friendships with the ones who are truly staples in my life and let go of some.
• Celebrate the life of my amazing Husband, who loved life so much.  He taught me so much in life and by celebrating him, I find happiness.
• Traveling to Ohio and Texas multiple times this year and experiencing new things.
• Learning that it's ok to be me and finding me is truly remarkable....As long as I can remember, its been "we."  I've had to truly dig deep and find myself though all this. 
• and finally.....learning that putting one foot in front of the other is extremely difficult at times but necessary to experience all that this life gives us...you only get one chance at this...

I'd say I have accomplished so much this year...and I think Brandon would be proud of me.  Of course, I wish about 50 times  a day that he was here with me.  My life's journey was amazing with him....and undoubtably, now I have to make another life's journey and it's just begun.  There is a song by Lea Michele that is called Break Free...I played it over and over again when he died because I felt trapped in this box that I couldn't escape from (my life) and I just wanted to break free.  Now, it takes on a whole new meaning....Here's the song.  She was such an inspiration to me this year when I was watching Ellen and she was talking about when Cory had died.  

   So, as much as I hate 2014, it has taught me so much about life and love....So, my goal for 2015 is to Live, Laugh, and Love...It's our saying after all....our house is decorated in it....So, I will Live my life to the fullest, Laugh whenever I can, and Love those in my life with as much as my heart will allow.  

Happy New Year's everyone!!


**I have in no way shape or form, moved on...Brandon will always be half of my heart...He was the love of my life...so please don't judge.  I'm just trying to find "me" and learn how to love life again.**

Merry Christmas

Just some more ramblings from the brain of Kristy.....

Going in to the Christmas season, I knew this was going to be hard.  I take life day by day and some days its hour by hour.  I've gotten used to him not being here, but every morning it's a reality that I have to deal with.  Today, I woke up knowing that he wasn't here and that it was my job to make sure that Mackenzie had an amazing Christmas.  Christmas was Brandon's favorite holiday.  He always made it magical and special.  We were never big on the huge gifts but instead loved the fact that we got to spend the day together because neither of us worked.  We got to be lazy, laugh, and have our inside jokes while enjoying the day with my family.  

Last year, we got to watch Mackenzie enjoy her first Christmas....She passed out in about an hour.  haha.  Then got to be lazy and sleep all day with Daddy.  This year...total opposite!  Talk about stimulation overload!!  We were blessed with so many gifts for her...from friends in Ohio to friends in South Carolina...She was SPOILED!  And she damn well deserved it.  You see, that kid works harder than any other 16 month old I know.  She has the job of keeping me on my toes, giving me lots of love (especially when I need it), making me laugh and cry, and more importantly, giving me a reason to get up each and every day and live life.  If that isn't a full time job, than I don't know what is!  She's amazing.  More amazing than she will ever realize but hopefully she is raised knowing how much she has done for me.  I am forever grateful to God for blessing us with her.  He knew I needed her, and he is right!  

Many people always say, "He's with you, don't worry."  The problem is that they are right....and wrong.  I know he's watching down on us and smiling.  He knows I am strong person, because we have discussed it.  He never understood how I was able to handle death with such courage and strength.  We had many discussion after his Grandma passed away a few years ago.  He had such a hard time with it so we talked a lot about it.  And my answer was always this, "She's in a better place."  Now, I find myself forcing to believe that.  If I tell myself that, it's true.  That's my logic.  I tell myself that 100 times a day, at least.  Last night, before we went to my parents for Christmas Eve (like we always do), I debated on a time to go for at least 5 hours.  I just couldn't "jump" into the Christmas Eve tradition.  Finally, I worked up the courage to go.  I packed up and loaded up the car.  Then I came back inside to grab Mack and lock up.  The last thing I always do (because Im OCD like that) is turn the radio on for Bailey.  So, I hit the button...and low and behold...Beyonce was on singing the song he proposed to me with.  I chuckled, smiled, and on our way we went.  It was an interesting night...Happy...not so sad...but with the constant reminder that he was missing.  It's always in my head.  I look over at the couch he sat on at their house and wasn't there.  At dinner, he wasn't there.  Playing cards...he wasn't there. Getting ready to leave, he wasn't there.  Then the flashbacks start...Images of him last Christmas Eve, packing up Mack and walking out of their house.  I can see it plain as day as if it was really happening.  We head home and we are at a stoplight (Now keep in mind that Mackenzie has been sleeping for 2 1/2 hours already and woke up when I put her in the car)...I turn the light on in the car to see what she is doing because she was talking up a storm....I see her staring at the only empty spot in my car (due to presents everywhere) and smiling from ear to ear. It's a rare smile that I don't always see.  We keep driving and she says "Dada-dada."  Tear----instantly start streaming from my face.  So, you see, I know he's here with us...and it's extremely special to me.  Crazy or not....I just wish I could see him like Mackenzie does.  I wish I could spend our holiday with the love of my life that I was supposed to grow old with.  Obviously, I am aware that it isn't going to happen and I go on with my life hour by hour.  

Although my life isn't perfect without him, my life is pretty darn close.  I have a family that loves me and helps me without even batting an eye.  I have true friends that many people don't have who are always by my side.  I have an AMAZING daughter that keeps my heart from freezing and gives me the gift of life...And I have the unconditional love that Brandon always showed me up until his dying day.  And thankfully for my beliefs in God, I know that I will spend eternal life with him again one day.  Soooo, I'd say I'm one BLESSED lady......I hope you all enjoyed the time with your families, made new memories, and thanked God for baby Jesus today!!  Merry Christmas from Mackenzie and I.  

**Not sure that any of this makes sense to y'all, but I like writing my journey down.**