2014

I'm writing this tonight because...well..I'm bored...and I wanted to see what I have accomplished over this past year.  

I'm not sure where to start, so I'll just type...normally it just spills on out.  

In January, I lost the love of my life.  The man that has walked by my side since 2002...when I was 17.  I remember the first night I started to fall for him..It was New Years Eve 2001.  Pun had asked me to get Brandon from his house so that he could go to Niki's NYE party.  We were hanging out at Pun's house with a few people and everyone else went to Niki's.  So, I went to go get him...I was 16 and was crushin...don't judge.  So, I went and got him.  Picked him up, enjoyed the entire drive back to Pun's with great conversation, and then watched him get in a car to go to Niki's.  From that point on, we hung out every weekend.  A memory that will always live with me.  To be 16 in not even know what love was or what that would have turned into.  Well, it turned in to spending the next 11 New Year's Eve's together.  (Just a side story that I wanted to share!)

Back to this year....

Much of my year was filled was much sadness.  It's a daily battle that I continue to fight with and the holidays have made it especially hard.  I try to smile when I can (which became a lot more frequent once I realized that its easier to smile and laugh than think about the realities of life).  So, I'd like to come up with a list of things I have accomplished this year.

• Having the strength to say goodbye to my heart and soul which is something I never thought I'd have to do...(we were supposed to say goodbye at the same time according to The Notebook!)
• Raising Mackenzie to be the happiest girl on the planet and love her life to the fullest
• Give myself some credit of being able to do what I have been able to 
• Give myself time to mourn and cry...I'm not a crier...So the fact that I have been able to allow myself to cry when I need to is a big accomplishment.
• My faith in God and has been tightened so much more.  Mackenzie and I say our prayers nightly together.  I also talk to God probably 10 times a day when I don't think I can make it. 
• Manage our household, bills, cleaning (a little), and cooking (a little).  
• Maintain friendships with the ones who are truly staples in my life and let go of some.
• Celebrate the life of my amazing Husband, who loved life so much.  He taught me so much in life and by celebrating him, I find happiness.
• Traveling to Ohio and Texas multiple times this year and experiencing new things.
• Learning that it's ok to be me and finding me is truly remarkable....As long as I can remember, its been "we."  I've had to truly dig deep and find myself though all this. 
• and finally.....learning that putting one foot in front of the other is extremely difficult at times but necessary to experience all that this life gives us...you only get one chance at this...

I'd say I have accomplished so much this year...and I think Brandon would be proud of me.  Of course, I wish about 50 times  a day that he was here with me.  My life's journey was amazing with him....and undoubtably, now I have to make another life's journey and it's just begun.  There is a song by Lea Michele that is called Break Free...I played it over and over again when he died because I felt trapped in this box that I couldn't escape from (my life) and I just wanted to break free.  Now, it takes on a whole new meaning....Here's the song.  She was such an inspiration to me this year when I was watching Ellen and she was talking about when Cory had died.  

   So, as much as I hate 2014, it has taught me so much about life and love....So, my goal for 2015 is to Live, Laugh, and Love...It's our saying after all....our house is decorated in it....So, I will Live my life to the fullest, Laugh whenever I can, and Love those in my life with as much as my heart will allow.  

Happy New Year's everyone!!


**I have in no way shape or form, moved on...Brandon will always be half of my heart...He was the love of my life...so please don't judge.  I'm just trying to find "me" and learn how to love life again.**