2014

I'm writing this tonight because...well..I'm bored...and I wanted to see what I have accomplished over this past year.  

I'm not sure where to start, so I'll just type...normally it just spills on out.  

In January, I lost the love of my life.  The man that has walked by my side since 2002...when I was 17.  I remember the first night I started to fall for him..It was New Years Eve 2001.  Pun had asked me to get Brandon from his house so that he could go to Niki's NYE party.  We were hanging out at Pun's house with a few people and everyone else went to Niki's.  So, I went to go get him...I was 16 and was crushin...don't judge.  So, I went and got him.  Picked him up, enjoyed the entire drive back to Pun's with great conversation, and then watched him get in a car to go to Niki's.  From that point on, we hung out every weekend.  A memory that will always live with me.  To be 16 in not even know what love was or what that would have turned into.  Well, it turned in to spending the next 11 New Year's Eve's together.  (Just a side story that I wanted to share!)

Back to this year....

Much of my year was filled was much sadness.  It's a daily battle that I continue to fight with and the holidays have made it especially hard.  I try to smile when I can (which became a lot more frequent once I realized that its easier to smile and laugh than think about the realities of life).  So, I'd like to come up with a list of things I have accomplished this year.

• Having the strength to say goodbye to my heart and soul which is something I never thought I'd have to do...(we were supposed to say goodbye at the same time according to The Notebook!)
• Raising Mackenzie to be the happiest girl on the planet and love her life to the fullest
• Give myself some credit of being able to do what I have been able to 
• Give myself time to mourn and cry...I'm not a crier...So the fact that I have been able to allow myself to cry when I need to is a big accomplishment.
• My faith in God and has been tightened so much more.  Mackenzie and I say our prayers nightly together.  I also talk to God probably 10 times a day when I don't think I can make it. 
• Manage our household, bills, cleaning (a little), and cooking (a little).  
• Maintain friendships with the ones who are truly staples in my life and let go of some.
• Celebrate the life of my amazing Husband, who loved life so much.  He taught me so much in life and by celebrating him, I find happiness.
• Traveling to Ohio and Texas multiple times this year and experiencing new things.
• Learning that it's ok to be me and finding me is truly remarkable....As long as I can remember, its been "we."  I've had to truly dig deep and find myself though all this. 
• and finally.....learning that putting one foot in front of the other is extremely difficult at times but necessary to experience all that this life gives us...you only get one chance at this...

I'd say I have accomplished so much this year...and I think Brandon would be proud of me.  Of course, I wish about 50 times  a day that he was here with me.  My life's journey was amazing with him....and undoubtably, now I have to make another life's journey and it's just begun.  There is a song by Lea Michele that is called Break Free...I played it over and over again when he died because I felt trapped in this box that I couldn't escape from (my life) and I just wanted to break free.  Now, it takes on a whole new meaning....Here's the song.  She was such an inspiration to me this year when I was watching Ellen and she was talking about when Cory had died.  

   So, as much as I hate 2014, it has taught me so much about life and love....So, my goal for 2015 is to Live, Laugh, and Love...It's our saying after all....our house is decorated in it....So, I will Live my life to the fullest, Laugh whenever I can, and Love those in my life with as much as my heart will allow.  

Happy New Year's everyone!!


**I have in no way shape or form, moved on...Brandon will always be half of my heart...He was the love of my life...so please don't judge.  I'm just trying to find "me" and learn how to love life again.**

Merry Christmas

Just some more ramblings from the brain of Kristy.....

Going in to the Christmas season, I knew this was going to be hard.  I take life day by day and some days its hour by hour.  I've gotten used to him not being here, but every morning it's a reality that I have to deal with.  Today, I woke up knowing that he wasn't here and that it was my job to make sure that Mackenzie had an amazing Christmas.  Christmas was Brandon's favorite holiday.  He always made it magical and special.  We were never big on the huge gifts but instead loved the fact that we got to spend the day together because neither of us worked.  We got to be lazy, laugh, and have our inside jokes while enjoying the day with my family.  

Last year, we got to watch Mackenzie enjoy her first Christmas....She passed out in about an hour.  haha.  Then got to be lazy and sleep all day with Daddy.  This year...total opposite!  Talk about stimulation overload!!  We were blessed with so many gifts for her...from friends in Ohio to friends in South Carolina...She was SPOILED!  And she damn well deserved it.  You see, that kid works harder than any other 16 month old I know.  She has the job of keeping me on my toes, giving me lots of love (especially when I need it), making me laugh and cry, and more importantly, giving me a reason to get up each and every day and live life.  If that isn't a full time job, than I don't know what is!  She's amazing.  More amazing than she will ever realize but hopefully she is raised knowing how much she has done for me.  I am forever grateful to God for blessing us with her.  He knew I needed her, and he is right!  

Many people always say, "He's with you, don't worry."  The problem is that they are right....and wrong.  I know he's watching down on us and smiling.  He knows I am strong person, because we have discussed it.  He never understood how I was able to handle death with such courage and strength.  We had many discussion after his Grandma passed away a few years ago.  He had such a hard time with it so we talked a lot about it.  And my answer was always this, "She's in a better place."  Now, I find myself forcing to believe that.  If I tell myself that, it's true.  That's my logic.  I tell myself that 100 times a day, at least.  Last night, before we went to my parents for Christmas Eve (like we always do), I debated on a time to go for at least 5 hours.  I just couldn't "jump" into the Christmas Eve tradition.  Finally, I worked up the courage to go.  I packed up and loaded up the car.  Then I came back inside to grab Mack and lock up.  The last thing I always do (because Im OCD like that) is turn the radio on for Bailey.  So, I hit the button...and low and behold...Beyonce was on singing the song he proposed to me with.  I chuckled, smiled, and on our way we went.  It was an interesting night...Happy...not so sad...but with the constant reminder that he was missing.  It's always in my head.  I look over at the couch he sat on at their house and wasn't there.  At dinner, he wasn't there.  Playing cards...he wasn't there. Getting ready to leave, he wasn't there.  Then the flashbacks start...Images of him last Christmas Eve, packing up Mack and walking out of their house.  I can see it plain as day as if it was really happening.  We head home and we are at a stoplight (Now keep in mind that Mackenzie has been sleeping for 2 1/2 hours already and woke up when I put her in the car)...I turn the light on in the car to see what she is doing because she was talking up a storm....I see her staring at the only empty spot in my car (due to presents everywhere) and smiling from ear to ear. It's a rare smile that I don't always see.  We keep driving and she says "Dada-dada."  Tear----instantly start streaming from my face.  So, you see, I know he's here with us...and it's extremely special to me.  Crazy or not....I just wish I could see him like Mackenzie does.  I wish I could spend our holiday with the love of my life that I was supposed to grow old with.  Obviously, I am aware that it isn't going to happen and I go on with my life hour by hour.  

Although my life isn't perfect without him, my life is pretty darn close.  I have a family that loves me and helps me without even batting an eye.  I have true friends that many people don't have who are always by my side.  I have an AMAZING daughter that keeps my heart from freezing and gives me the gift of life...And I have the unconditional love that Brandon always showed me up until his dying day.  And thankfully for my beliefs in God, I know that I will spend eternal life with him again one day.  Soooo, I'd say I'm one BLESSED lady......I hope you all enjoyed the time with your families, made new memories, and thanked God for baby Jesus today!!  Merry Christmas from Mackenzie and I.  

**Not sure that any of this makes sense to y'all, but I like writing my journey down.**

It's been awhile...

It's be awhile since I posted.  This year sure is getting away from me.  It's been busy.  Single parenting has taught me more about life than I ever could have realized.  I've realized that I can do this.  It's hard as hell.  No lie.  I miss being able to yell for Brandon to get me a diaper, get me a wipe, grab her clothes, or even just having someone to talk through things with.  There is so much I miss, but I try not to think about it.  I think most days I wake up, realize he's gone still, and just bust my tail to get through the day.  I try not to think about things.  It's so darn depressing.  My best friend is still gone.  He'll always be gone and it's the hardest concept on the planet for me to wrap my head around and even grasp the concept of.  I still feel like he could walk through the door at any moment and that this whole thing is a joke.  The fact that we are going on almost 9 months absolutely floors me. 

How have I made it 9 months without the love of my life and more importantly the father of our child?

I truly don't get it.  It doesn't feel like 9 months, but on the other hand, it feels like forever.  I still remember the last weekend we spent together.  I remember holding hands in the car ride over to my parents, I remember feeding Mackenzie a banana for the first time, I remember going grocery shopping and it being the first time Mackenzie was sitting up in the cart.  I can remember it like it was yesterday, yet it was 9 months ago.  HOW???  I guess it goes to help me further believe that eternal life does exisit because it was just a blink of an eye ago and yet there is a time stamp on it.  Maybe to Brandon it was yesterday and to me its been 9 months.  Who knows. 

I've learned many things over these past 9 months.  I've learned most recently that I can't stop the damn Grief Monster.  He's a beast.  I hate him.  I do sooooo good and think I'm on the uphill and then BAM!!  I get slapped in the face by him.  I've learned that I do wear my emotions on my sleeve and that people can see it all the time.  Even when I don't realize that I am sad, they can see it.  I don't regret that but I am working on it.  I've learned that the "stages" of grief exist but they don't go away.  You don't go through them and then graduate.  I wish.  They come back time and time again.  It's a vicious cycle that is so unbelieveably sucky.  I'm learning to deal with it.  I've learned that life is short and that I need to do what's best for me regardless of what people think.  I'm not one that likes to disappoint people.  I'm learning to just do what my heart is telling me to do and accept it.  It's my life and I'm never going to please every person.  I've learned that chaos can happen in the middle of the night....aka Mackenzie throwing up everywhere last night...and that I can be emotional.  I can cry because I don't have anyone to help me.  And then I breathe and realize I can do this and there are people there for me.  I am so thankful for my amazing friends who happen to be my neighbors and my parents.  They were there for me last night at 12:45am and again this morning so I could go to work for a little bit.  I have support.  I just have to ask for it and I hate that, but I'm learning its ok to ask! 

This turned out to be extrememly long, and to be honest, I could keep going and going.  This journey is such an experience that has taught me so much about life, as Brandon already had.  I'm forever grateful to that kind and amazing man that loved me so much for teaching me so much about life.  I can make it through this life...alone or with someone.  Either way, he gave me gifts that will last a lifetime and I am incredibly thankful for him.  Here are some pictures...until next time my friends...

Mackenzie Turns One

Wow.  A whole year.  Wow.  

This year has been filled with so much happiness and sadness and laughter and tears.  I truly can't believe how fast a year goes by.  365 days of loving someone so much more than I ever thought possible.  Mackenzie doesn't know it but she is my greatest accomplishment and my rock.  Without her, I don't know where I'd be today.  Honestly.  She has grown so much and taught me so much about life.  Her Daddy would be so proud of her and I know he's smiling in heaven.  I think he'd be pretty damn proud of me too!  We've had our nights where I couldn't wait for bed and then didn't want her to go to bed.  We've played until we were both so tired that we were ready for bed at 7!  Even at her early morning wake ups, she manages to make me smile and giggle.  She has a superpower that I can't even explain.  God truly has a plan for that little girl and she was His greatest plan for me.  No matter what goes wrong, I can count on her make me smile....even when I'm frustrated with her!  In just 12 months, she has learned to roll over, crawl, play with toys, giggle, smile, cry, and eat foods.  It's been such an amazing journey and I can't wait to continue it!

Her birthday started off with us spending the day together and then having my parents and sister over for dinner and cake.  She LOVED her smash cake.  (Thanks Publix for the free smash cakes!) She loves icing and barely touched the cake part.  

Then, my bests from Cleveland came in to celebrate her birthday.  She always loves being around them and I can't lie...I loved the break!  Other people playing with her and me just being able to sit back and watch her giggle and smile.  It made my heart so happy.  She loves men....not surprising since she was completely smitten for her Daddy.  Then, on Saturday, she had her big birthday party!!  I couldn't have done without the help of everyone.  Literally.  It truly was amazing and so fun.  We had amazing friends and family help out with everything and Mackenzie and I had so much fun.  It was great.  We are so blessed 
to have the friends and family in our lives that we do.  They mean the world to me.  

So thank you to everyone who came, everyone who thought about us, and everyone who was able to celebrate with us!  We love you all!!

Traveling Duo

This summer is flying by and I just wish time would stand still long enough for me to breathe!!  We've traveled to Texas by ourselves and then to Ohio with my sister, Katie.  Texas was amazing.  We've never had to opportunity it get out there, and I made that happen this year.  We LOVED Texas!  We LOVED visiting with Brian and Lori.  We were able to hang out, relax, and enjoy life!  We even went to the Natural Science Museum of Houston.  So much fun!  Saw thousands of butterflies and the evolution of life exhibit.  Simply amazing and so much fun.  Mack loved it all too!  We saw Brandon's two Aunts that live in Texas, we did a Balloon Send Off to celebrate Father's Day and what an amazing father Brandon was.  Here's some pictures :)

Then, five days later, we headed off to Ohio for 8 days.  This time we drove.  Boy was this a learning experience! The ride home went much smoother!  haha.  Mackenzie loved meeting everyone and hanging out with good friends while we were there.  Nicole and Bill were so gracious to let us all stay at their house.  We had such a blast!  While in Ohio, we had a Memorial cookout for Brandon.  I know he was there and I'm sure he loved it.  He was such an amazing person and everyone loved him.    He taught me so much in life and although I never had the opportunity to thank him for it, I know he sees me now.  And I think he's proud of me.  Cleveland was a great time, but it was also difficult.  It's where we started.  It was our beginning.  Who would have thought that by hanging out in Pun's basement or at the bowling alley, that our love would have grown as much as it did.  I was blessed to have had 11 years with my very best friend and soulmate.  Thank you for teaching me so much about the important things in life babe!!  Back on to Ohio, we saw sooo many people!  There never is enough time when we come up there...even 8 days!!  But those who wanted to see us and spend time with us did.  And we loved every minute!  Here's some pics so you can see the fun we had!  

Over all, we had an AMAZING June! I loved traveling with my little Mack and I realize how quickly life goes by as I watch her grow up.  I wish Brandon was here to take part in all these fun times.  It truly hurts, but I know he's watching.  Sitting on a cloud and laughing at me as I make so many mistakes and then rise above.  I know he's proud of me and I know he still watches over us.  Until next time friends!  (That will be Mack's first birthday!  AHHHHH!!)

It's All a Choice

I haven't written in a while.  I started journaling because ya'll don't wanna read all my thoughts.  Thinking gets depressing.  So, don't think too much!  That's my advice!  :)  Anyways, on this new road I'm on, I have learned a lot about myself.  I am stronger than I ever thought and I can be happy if I choose to be happy.  It's a choice I have to make.  I used to just be happy.  My life was amazing.  I had a husband who loved me more than anything, he loved his daughter even more, and we were a family.  My cute little family.  I loved my life.  Now, I have to fight just to remember that I still have that life, but without him.  It's a constant battle.  I fight it hourly in my head.  I've encountered people along the way who just don't get it.  And I understand that.  I don't expect you to, nor do I ever want anyone to go through what I am going through.  It's not fair.  However, some people lose the compassion that I always thought they had.  Their lives were impacted for a short time and went back to normal quickly.  Mine changed my entire life.  Every day, Mackenzie and I wake up without him here.  I get her ready for school, get myself ready for work, and begin our day.  Then, I come home...to a house where he will never pull up at 5:40 again to.  I can honestly say that every day at 5:40, I look out the front door.  I know he's not coming back, but that's what Mackenzie and I did.  We loved watching Daddy pull in.  I get to bathe Mackenzie, feed Mackenzie, and put her to bed.  No goodnight kisses for Daddy.....My whole entire life changed and people fail to realize that.  Compassion...that's one thing that I was blessed with through this.  You read quotes and love them.  I always loved quotes about not knowing what others were going through and then some.  It's true.  So true.  There are days I meet people and I know they have no idea what I have been through in the past year.  Who has a baby and then 5 months later loses their husband?  Not many people.  My happily ever after is gone.  My whole world is still flipped upside down.  So, I know that I smile most days.  I choose to be happy.  I have to make that choice. I don't get to just be happy.  I have to choose it.  I choose to laugh because then I'm not crying.  I hope people learn to be more compassionate for others.  We need it.  The world needs it.  I will never let Mackenzie be a victim of circumstance.  She will be an amazing person because I will not let myself be a victim of circumstance.  I won't feel sorry for myself.  I won't feel sorry for her.  She had 5 months with the best person I know.  I had almost 11 years with him!  We will rise above.  But in the meantime, I wish so people would just think before they judge you for not doing something.  Rant over.

This weekend, I bought a new car.  Since Mother's Day, I have had a rough time.  Then last week, I decided I was going to take the plunge and trade in Brandon's car and sell mine.  I can't get in my car.  There's too many bad memories.  My phone rang from the ER in that car.  I drove to the ER in that car.  And then, I left the ER without my husband in that car.  I hate that car.  It was a great car.  But personally, I can't drive it.  Brandon's car, now that car has memories.  I have memories of him swatting my hand when I go to change the station.  Us holding hands while he was driving, a conversation of having more babies, him yelling at me about going too fast over speed bumps.  All good memories, but it's hard to get in that car every day.  So, in this new life I am being forced to create...I got a new car.  New car for new beginnings.  It made sense to me, so I did it.  I miss the hell out of him but I know he is here with me.  I saw signs that I am going to take as it was ok to do.  I believe in signs.  I know he's with me.  Especially when I see Mackenzie randomly smile down the hallway or in the car.  She stares and sees him.  I swear she does.  Call me crazy, whatever.  I like it :) So, I had been given signs that it was ok.  So I went with it!  Here's to a new life, with lots of fun and loving memories of my old life.  Tomorrow is a new day...and I am choosing to be happy and continue living my life.

Rambling..........

Well, it's been awhile since I wrote last.  I'm not sure what to write, so we shall see how this ends up. There are so many things that run through my brain on a daily basis.  

When I wake up, I see an empty spot next to me in our bed.  I can usually make it through the morning and then in the car, I let loose.  I think it's my way of "getting it out."  Then, for the most part, I have a decent day.  I think about Brandon pretty much hourly.  I love when I'm doing something and a memory of him pops into my head.  Most of the time, I smile or get a giggle out of it.  I love those moments.  Brandon always made me smile and laugh.  I love that there are daily reminders of that.  I truly believe that he's with me daily...not all day but at times...especially when I need him.  

So far, I have celebrated my 29th birthday at the end of March and that was ok.  I'm so thankful for all the love and support that people have shown me.  It truly was a great day.  Then, my friends from Cleveland came down for the weekend and I got to enjoy their company and good times.  It's always a good time with them.  God truly blessed us with amazing friends who have never left us even though we haven't lived in Cleveland in 9 years!   

Now, we have Easter coming this Sunday.  These are the times where I miss him the most.  It's the firsts.  Mackenzie's first Easter.  All these firsts.  I hate them and at the same time they are amazing because there is such life in our little girl.  She's starting to crawl (starting.....she still likes rolling wayyy more!).  Starting to gag on foods like he did...which totally makes me laugh because she does the same thing he used to do!  Starting to be more vocal...all these firsts....It hurts so bad and at the same time there is such joy in it all.  I truly thank God that he blessed us with Mackenzie because no matter how hard these "firsts" are, she can bring a smile and laugh to my face.  

In the last three months, Brandon passed away, my cousin Matt passed away, and then our family friend Sally passed away.....There's my 3...I can't really deal with all that anyways, but I'd love for this to stop happening.  I'm beginning to think there is one helluva party in Heaven and I'm just not cool enough to join.  Story of my life!  haha.  

Anyways, I became really slack on Mackenzie's monthly posts.  It totally stinks and I wish I hadn't.  She deserves the world and all the memories possible.  I'm sure she will forgive me one day haha.  Heck, the internet will probably be a thing of the past by then!  

I'd really like than thank every single person that continues to check on me and show me love and support.  It means more than you'll ever know.  I have to constantly remind myself that I can be happy, it's just a choice I have to make.  I was happy with Brandon and Mackenzie...I still have her and everyone else in my life...I can still be happy....So here's to more good days than bad and remembering the good times with my soul mate. 

Enough of my ramblings...Not sure this post does anything, but I like typing and I like sharing my rambling thoughts...

I hope you all have a wonderful Easter and you take time to be with your loved ones.  

Sometimes our Faith is what carries us....

It's crazy how life has so many ups and downs.  I have always felt blessed in my life even with all the downs I have had....Things happen in life and we don't know why.  We find ourselves questioning God and we question our faiths.  No matter what though, I have found that my faith has always been there to support me and get me back on this path we call "Life."  Without faith, where would we be?  When my uncle died, when my friend in high school died, when my friend went to rehab, when people close to me were diagnosed with cancer and then they died, when my Dad had a triple bypass....when all this happened....and there was so much bad....I always went back to my faith.  I wouldn't call myself an extremely religious person.  I don't go to church every week...heck, last year I went to church maybe a total of 5 times....However, my faith has never left me and I have always found strength because of my faith.  When Brandon passed away, I questioned so much and then at the same time I begged God to help me get through this.  I constantly asked Brandon (probably 10 times a day at least) to help me get through things and hold me up.  Without my faith, I wouldn't be able to do that.  

In all the bad, there is always Gods grace though.  I met Brandon, I learned what love was and how much someone could love me, I became a mother, I learned what unconditional love was, I learned how much family means to me and how they are more important than money, work, or possessions.  In all this bad, there is soooo much I have been blessed with.  There is only one thing to attribute that to.  That's my faith in God.  

So, where am I now?  Honestly, I don't know!  I'm more lost than ever.  All I want is for my best friend and my soul mate to be back with me.  All I want is for that person to make me smile and laugh the way he used to.  Then I remember....He still does....There are times when I see something and I just bust out laughing.  There are times when I just cry so hard that I end up laughing because something so stupid pops in my head. There are times when I am crying that I just stop and I can't explain why.  He's here with me.  I know he is.  So, as I try to walk on this new path in life, I have him to help guide me.  God put him in my life for a reason.  He taught me how to love, what love was, how to love so much that we were blessed with an amazing daughter.  

For now, I am just going to keep walking on this path in life.  I'm going to experience every "first."  The first time I had to go to bed without you telling me "Love you--always always forever forever," the first time I go to the grocery store, the first time I go to our favorite restaurant (did that tonight!), the first time I had to drive your car, the first time I had take Mackenzie to daycare in the morning, the first time I got a tattoo (and last!), the first time I was so stressed out and you weren't there to make me smile...and this week I will have my first birthday without you since I turned 16....So many firsts...It's so incredibly hard.

 I'm not ready to close this chapter yet and that's ok with me.  I don't need to.  There is no time frame for grief.  I'm allowed to feel how I want to feel, as long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Without Mack, my family and my friends this would probably be extremely difficult.  But I want to live my life.  It was denied to Brandon, but it was not denied to Mackenzie or I.  We are still here.  We have a life that we still need to live and God will put us on whatever path that is.  The path sucks right now, but He has a plan.  He has a plan for all of us, and when my time comes to go home to Him, I have one amazing person waiting for me.  I used to be scared of death, but now I see it as an eternal life.  One day, I'll walk the streets of gold with my best friend again.  I'll get to feel his touch again.  I'll get to hear his voice.  One day.  But for today, I have to keep walking.   For me and for Mackenzie.  We are going to live life.  We are going to enjoy every day and not take things or time for granted.  You only get one life here on Earth....Enjoy it :)  

Kind of a different blog than I expected to write....It may not even make sense to you, but its apparently what was in my head!!! Here are some photos :)  

Very Fitting

It's ironic that this blog is called One Step at a Time....because literally that's how my days go here lately.  As you all know, Brandon went to Heaven on January 28th.  I still think I am living this surreal life that one day I will wake up and my world will be normal again.  Who thinks about their husband passing away at the age of 31?  We were married for 3 1/2 years...together for over 11.  Who ever thinks that while making memories of your life, that one day it will be all you have left?  Brandon and I were high school sweethearts...kind of!  I was 17 and a junior in high school when we began dating for the 2nd time and he was 19.  He has always been the one for me.  I've loved him as long as I can even remember.  He made me laugh till I cried, smile until it hurt, and do things I never would have.  He taught me that money doesn't matter, that doing things that make you happy now are more important, and how to have fun in life.  He made my world brighter.  He made me laugh when times were rough....He was my strength when I wasn't.  He was my shoulder to cry on...

This blog is so incredibly difficult to write.  I'm not writing it for me...ok well maybe I am.  I want Mackenzie to remember every single thing about her Dad.  He loved being a Dad so much.  He loved her with every ounce of his heart.  She was his pride and joy.  In his last moments, he thought about her.  Not himself.  She was his everything.  I know he loved me more than anything, but that baby girl was his everything.  She looks like him and acts like him in every way...I hope that never changes.

Let's talk about things I have learned recently.  Life is short...unbelievably short.  Who cares what you look like, how much money you have, what your job is, or how many expensive things you have.  What matters is that you have someone that loves you no matter what.  That someone tells you your beautiful every single day.  That they tell you they love you every chance they get.  They make your world a better place.  They give you the greatest gift on Earth---love----and through love you get a baby.  Unconditional love....he loved me with everything he had...always..no matter if we were fighting or now.  In turn, nothing else matters.  I have been able to love and be loved for the past 11 years by this amazing man.  I have a beautiful baby girl that reminds me of how much we loved each other.  Brandon and I will be together one day....and for now I have to just keep his memory alive for Mackenzie....Her father was such an amazing man that taught me so much about life. He lived for the day, each and every day....and so will I.  He was my world....he was my heart and soul...he was my everything....he was such an inspiration to me.

For now, I will take life One Step at a Time and try to make him proud in everything I do and raise our baby girl to have his heart and soul.  I'm hoping that keeping this blog will help me get through this.  So if you want to read it, go ahead...If not, it's ok.

(no pictures this post....maybe later....my heart has a very hard time with pictures right now)

Sunny Saturday

Well this is a pretty boring, freezing cold, Saturday; but it sure is sunny outside!!  I haven't updated in awhile...Little Mack isn't so simple anymore!  Recently, she's learned to roll from back to tummy and tummy to back....she's rolling all over the living room!  I've been exhausted since then.  haha.  Bring on the fun stuff!  Her little personality is really coming out and it's so fun to see!  Within the next month, we look forward to her 6 month doctors appointment, her Baptism, seeing friends and family, and Valentine's Day!! Can't wait to see what's next!

Here are some pictures :)